I am not going to win very many awards with a local sandwich restaurant any time soon after I wrote this one. However, something happened to me that I just have to tell you about, or else I am going to burst. Before I start, I am going to let you in on a little secret about myself. I am not very good at using the English language. Oh, sure, I write this blog, and I write short stories, essays, and books, but I have lots of help. I have proofreaders and I use Grammarly, which I pay handsomely for, I might add. But, even before I turn to anyone or anything else for help, I do the very best I can on my own to make sure I don’t look like the dufus I actually am. I bring this up so you will understand why what I am about to tell you is so incredible to me.
So, my wife and I had to go out to the doctor The Other Day…, and as we were about to leave for home, my wife says, “Hey, what’s say we get something to eat so you don’t have to cook tonight?” I thought to myself, “Self, that’s a pretty good idea.” So, I drive by a local sandwich shop and decide that instead of going through the drive-thru, I will go in and place my order. I walk in and the two crew members are just finishing up. The one lady goes to the back and starts restocking everything so they can sell more product. The guy says, “What can I get you, buddy?”
I give the guy my order, and I have to say, watching this guy make my future meal is like watching paint dry. So, I start looking around the room. Now, I’m not one of those rude customers who look to find fault with everything. Honest, I’m not. However, the establishment has these four round tables set up as a sort of a barrier so that everyone inside is doing their part to social distance. On top of the four tables, there are these signs that read, “Do to the Covid-19 pandemic…blah, blah, blah.” I didn’t think too much of it at first. After all, I am there to try and get my food.
I looked back to see how the sandwich master was doing with making my meal. Just to add some color to this essay, you should know that I wanted one of my sandwiches toasted and one not toasted. I wasn’t trying to be mean or confuse the person, but he asked me twice if I wanted the second sandwich toasted, and I told him twice, “NO.” Still, I watched him put both sandwiches in the toasting machine. “Oh well,” I think to myself. “What could it hurt?” Meanwhile, I turn back and look at the four tables again and that’s when I realized that all four tables had the same written message: “Do to the Covid-19 pandemic…blah, blah, blah.” You see the mistake, right?
Do you remember when you were younger and you heard about Sammy Watson and Emily Miller getting caught kissing out back behind the willow tree? You busted your butt to tell every person you knew at school the following Monday. Well, that was how I felt standing in this sandwich shop with those signs staring me in the face. I wanted to tell someone so badly that there was a mistake on the papers that sat atop those tables. I calmly told myself, “Just keep it to yourself. You can tell your wife once you make to the car.” But, see, this is where I get myself in trouble. I know I will never make it to the car. I can’t believe I caught the error. Me, Jim Crosby, the court jester of the English language caught the mistake. I knew I wouldn’t make it to the car without exploding. I needed to let it out. I kept telling myself, “Breathe, Jimmy, breathe.” It seemed to help. I relaxed a little. Then, I turned around to see if the boy genius had finished my sandwiches. The woman had come out to help him finish up because a line was starting to form.
When my sandwiches were ready to go, the woman waited on me. I paid for my sandwiches, and as I turned to leave, I suddenly stopped. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just leave. I had to tell the level-headed woman THEY HAD USED THE WRONG WORD ON THEIR SIGNS. Once I told her my golden ticket English issue, I felt better. Do you know what she said to me? ” Oh, we know, we just didn’t change it.” OMG!!!!!!! How in the world can you not change the word DO to DUE???? Oh well. I admit, her reaction kind of burst my bubble.
Anyway, I wasn’t done with this. I went outside and proceeded to tell my wife all about my discovery. I was really going to town. My arms were flailing, and I believe I might have even added some “jazz hands” to boot. What a relief to not have to hold back any longer. We both had a good laugh. It was worth the trip.
In bringing the entire adventure to a conclusion, after we got home, I was sitting with my son, and I told him the same story I am telling you. Do you know what the fruit of my loins said to his mother? “Oh my God, Mom, Dad found a grammar mistake; call Guinness.” Hey, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I must tell you, I thoroughly enjoyed writing this one. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Until next time, MUH!!
