I love God. He has given me this gift to write from my heart. However, today, my heart is breaking. My sister of 61 years, who would have been 62 soon, has passed away. She died in her sleep. More than likely, that’s a good thing. Being the son of Wilbur and Donna Crosby has been a difficult one. My father was 33 when he passed. My mother was only 31 when she passed away in 1965, leaving behind four children. My brother Robert was eleven, I was ten, my sister Susie was nine, and Carol, the youngest, was five.
The majority of children in the world have what is known as a normal life. For us four Crosby children, our lives would be anything but normal. My dad’s side of the family wanted to split us up (we were told). Only my Aunt Alice wanted to keep us together. So, even though that was a hard life too, at least we were together. Could you imagine how messed up a person might become when they are shuffled around from home to home and family to family? That is exactly what happened to my baby sister. She spent some time with my Aunt along with the rest of us; then she lived with my brother for a while when he got married. Next, she went to Alma, Michigan to live with my Uncle Bob and Aunt Elaine. However, she spent the bulk of her teenage years in Arizona with my sister, Susan. Eventually, she married a much older man and they moved to New Mexico. At one point, she had a breakdown and was institutionalized, and finally wound up in Utah, where she died. Wow!
Looking back, I know that I got lucky. My wife and family and friends breathed life into me. I brought a good deal of baggage with me into our relationship, but my wife was able to help me deal with everything. I grew and matured and was granted life’s greatest gift in my two children. My sister Carol never had that. Bobby has a daughter. But it wasn’t enough to keep him happy, Bobby took his own life at the age of 22, just like my father did at age 33. What chance did Carol have on her own? The strongest sibling among us is my sister Susan. She is a rock! She always has been. I don’t know how she does it. I miss my family all the time. I miss having the chance to get to know them and spend time with them and bond with them. I miss my baby sister more than you can know at this moment.
At best, life is a challenging event. However, for as long as I can remember, it seemed we Crosby children started our lives behind the eight ball, and it has never stopped. I am having a hard time grasping the fact that I am still alive when I think of everyone else not being here. At least I still have my sister Susan, and I am grateful for that. I am a guy who is very grateful and appreciative of Family.
My immediate family took a hit in 2011, with the loss of our daughter. Everyone who follows my blog knows that. Whenever someone in my family dies, I relive the same old feelings that, unless you lived a life like mine, you could never understand. I isolate myself and try to make sense of life and loss and everything in between. In this particular situation, everyone is contacting me, looking for scraps of information about my baby sister that I just don’t have. I don’t have the answers about the how and the why. I never will.
I feel like I failed my sister, and now she’s dead. I will have to live with that, again. I’ve learned through the death of my daughter that the pain never goes away, but it gets less and less with time, introspection, and prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. The Carol I knew all those years ago was really cute, with an outrageous smile. She wanted what all of us Crosby children wanted all those years ago: for someone to love her like she was the most important person in the world. I wish with all my heart she could have found that.
You will be missed, Baby Sister! I wish I could have been a better brother and friend. But, in my defense, during those days when you maybe needed me the most, I was busy trying to find my own way through this world. I wish you could have found what you were searching for to fill the vacant spaces in your life and your soul. I’m truly sorry that you didn’t. I wish life could have been easier for you. Hopefully, in your heavenly life you will find peace, happiness, and love. You deserve it. MUH!!
